Tuesday, October 26, 2010 (5:30 PM)
my chest feels so tight i am afraid i might pass out
i need a drink
maybe a few to drown this feeling out
the silence.. the wait is killing me
today started out fine we chatted on fb and then you suddenly stopped replying then after what seemed like forever you said
'welcome back'
'i was online the whole time!'
'nope! when i replied you were already offline.'
'so.. were you waiting for me to see if i came back on??'
'kinda'
'can i say i am kinda happy?!'
i was quite happy with that reply but.. u kinda changed topic? so yea
everytime i make it obvious u change the topic
so i get it now
you tend to make it awkward when we chat..
like last night or the night before we were chatting and then you were telling me about the scene where we were at the foodcourt eating and we walked back to the store
yea
soo u know the girl from the restaurant next to the foodcourt and then she asked you if i was your gf (when i already left) then you said oh no she is not my gf.
so.. ok you tell me that then what do you want me to reply you? seriously like wtf..
anyways we chatted i called you and we continued chatting and we went to visit our FRIENDSTER account! and then i saw her pictures in your album and it kinda killed me
especially the montage one with all your kissing and lovey dovey pictures
it totally killed my mood for the whole of this week.
and now i keep going back to stare at it and making myself feel inferior
why do i do that.. i really dont know why i torture myself this way
maybe a painful approach will remind me that this is not a fairytale
last night we were on the phone and.. i was kinda harsh
but i was that way because i felt super frustrated
like there are many things i wanna ask you but i cant bring myself to ask
i want to ask you to stop talking about her
but i cant because who i am to ask you to stop talking about her? i am only a friend status
thats why its so hard!
and i told my friend that i would give you a while to make the first move but she told me that you once said that you dont make the first move except your ex.. duh of course.. of course
that sentencemy friend said made me feel even worse
made me wanna give up
then thinking about it..
every song i hear or do things that relate to you when i feel sad..
you are probably relating it to her when you listen to certain songs and whatever
i feel like a background..
then when i feel like i should give up
you come and do smth that makes me go smiling like a mad person
for example the day before ytd i was texting you and you didnt really reply. the whole day you only replied a text msg.. ridiculous can i just say..
and ytd you did a lil better you maybe replied like 3 or 4 times
then i was complaining to my friend that u didnt reply much so maybe you are not interested blabla
then she said that you guys were super busy at the shop thats why!
so i was like oh ok i understand..
and then i was just emoing the whole day and then at night after your work u sent me
' hey sorry for not organising my time to reply you messages'
i feel weak but i have to say.. i was flying! its the first time he said this!
then after i touched down on earth i was thinking.. what if it was his ex.. would he have done it differently? would he have texted her even though he was super busy?
see, the mind fucking thing starts all over again
then i think about how he chased her for 2 years and they were together for 7 years so thats basically 9 years of his life..
thats a super long dedication
and he has only known me less than a month and i am falling head over heels for him
so maybe he found it too easy
and is tired
maybe its just a game to him
i duno but i wanna know
i wish he would tell me
and then a song popped into my head which is suuuupppeeerrr appropriate for my situation right now
and its a song by coco lee ' before i fall in love' (although i already have..)
My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cuz my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
~
i love the part 'And I'm at the point of no return So afraid of getting burned But I wanna take a chance'
its so true that there is no turning back now.. i know i have a high chance of getting hurt but yet i wanna take that risk..
i really shouldnt have gone down to the shop
never should have...
can i confess to him?
i wish i could..i wish i had the bloody guts to do it
but even if i did i dun think i would
because the answer is so clear........