Sunday, November 07, 2010 (4:09 PM)
he doesnt really like me
all the signs are there
but i cant help it but to carry on falling deeper..
karma finally strikes back
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 (5:30 PM)
i am going mad
my chest feels so tight i am afraid i might pass out
i need a drink
maybe a few to drown this feeling out
the silence.. the wait is killing me
today started out fine we chatted on fb and then you suddenly stopped replying then after what seemed like forever you said
'welcome back'
'i was online the whole time!'
'nope! when i replied you were already offline.'
'so.. were you waiting for me to see if i came back on??'
'kinda'
'can i say i am kinda happy?!'
i was quite happy with that reply but.. u kinda changed topic? so yea
everytime i make it obvious u change the topic
so i get it now
you tend to make it awkward when we chat..
like last night or the night before we were chatting and then you were telling me about the scene where we were at the foodcourt eating and we walked back to the store
yea
soo u know the girl from the restaurant next to the foodcourt and then she asked you if i was your gf (when i already left) then you said oh no she is not my gf.
so.. ok you tell me that then what do you want me to reply you? seriously like wtf..
anyways we chatted i called you and we continued chatting and we went to visit our FRIENDSTER account! and then i saw her pictures in your album and it kinda killed me
especially the montage one with all your kissing and lovey dovey pictures
it totally killed my mood for the whole of this week.
and now i keep going back to stare at it and making myself feel inferior
why do i do that.. i really dont know why i torture myself this way
maybe a painful approach will remind me that this is not a fairytale
last night we were on the phone and.. i was kinda harsh
but i was that way because i felt super frustrated
like there are many things i wanna ask you but i cant bring myself to ask
i want to ask you to stop talking about her
but i cant because who i am to ask you to stop talking about her? i am only a friend status
thats why its so hard!
and i told my friend that i would give you a while to make the first move but she told me that you once said that you dont make the first move except your ex.. duh of course.. of course
that sentencemy friend said made me feel even worse
made me wanna give up
then thinking about it..
every song i hear or do things that relate to you when i feel sad..
you are probably relating it to her when you listen to certain songs and whatever
i feel like a background..
then when i feel like i should give up
you come and do smth that makes me go smiling like a mad person
for example the day before ytd i was texting you and you didnt really reply. the whole day you only replied a text msg.. ridiculous can i just say..
and ytd you did a lil better you maybe replied like 3 or 4 times
then i was complaining to my friend that u didnt reply much so maybe you are not interested blabla
then she said that you guys were super busy at the shop thats why!
so i was like oh ok i understand..
and then i was just emoing the whole day and then at night after your work u sent me
' hey sorry for not organising my time to reply you messages'
i feel weak but i have to say.. i was flying! its the first time he said this!
then after i touched down on earth i was thinking.. what if it was his ex.. would he have done it differently? would he have texted her even though he was super busy?
see, the mind fucking thing starts all over again
then i think about how he chased her for 2 years and they were together for 7 years so thats basically 9 years of his life..
thats a super long dedication
and he has only known me less than a month and i am falling head over heels for him
so maybe he found it too easy
and is tired
maybe its just a game to him
i duno but i wanna know
i wish he would tell me
and then a song popped into my head which is suuuupppeeerrr appropriate for my situation right now
and its a song by coco lee ' before i fall in love' (although i already have..)
My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cuz my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...
Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
~
i love the part 'And I'm at the point of no return So afraid of getting burned But I wanna take a chance'
its so true that there is no turning back now.. i know i have a high chance of getting hurt but yet i wanna take that risk..
i really shouldnt have gone down to the shop
never should have...
can i confess to him?
i wish i could..i wish i had the bloody guts to do it
but even if i did i dun think i would
because the answer is so clear........
(2:09 PM)
i wondered what would have happened if
i didnt see you
if i didnt go down to MIC
if i didnt see you on the dance floor
if you didnt give me your number
if you didnt express your interest in me to the others
if you didnt constantly talk about your ex
if you didnt always stare at other girls and complimenting how pretty they are and trying desperately to get their attention
if you didnt tell me you were a good guy
if we did not go out on that date
if you didnt make lame promises like " you know what dont take your license, i will drive you around once i get my land rover' or how ' i wont smoke in front of you'
dun even say such things if you dun intend to finish what you started
omg u are fucking annoying! how do you manage to make me so excited just receiving a msg from you on facebook?! such as an ass. but i guess you dont see what you are doing to me casue you are too blinded by your ex
(1:47 PM)
i wish i knew what you are thinking aboutor how you feel
then at least i know which direction i am gg
Sunday, October 24, 2010 (6:23 PM)
i am back to being my emo self..
and this is the only place i can release everything
i really wanna talk to you now and tell you how much i like you
but i duno where to start and i am afraid i would get hurt
i am afraid you would say you like me.. but only as a friend
our conversations these few days have been reduced to just minutes..
and then thinking about it.. i rmb you once asked me
" what if i stopped calling you"
wtf does that mean?
are you trying to tell me that you wanna start staying away
or are you trying to see if you would think of me if you dont call me
i keep mind fucking myself because of you
i am back to listening to my stupid emo songs because of you
i am probably sick because of you
ytd at the flea market
you asked me to pass you your bag and i saw the cabin crew tag with her name on it
did u know i was dying inside
i tried not to show my feelings on face
so i had to walk away
i wonder if i could ever measure up to her?
i know you have been with her for 7 years and that you really loved her and probably isnt easy getting over her
i get it
i have only known u for a month and i am going crazy
truth is i have never felt this way for a guy
i only communicate with the guys i like through sms or msn
and we rarely meet up
and when we do
i feel myself pushing them away
you are the only guy i have gone out with and feel comfortable during the whole date
you are the only guy who calls me every night and chat with me on the phone for hours
i like how you sound over the phone
i like how you sound when you just wake up in the morning
i like how you talk to me in a gentle tone
i like how you fell asleep on me over the phone and i didnt mind because i felt contented
but the only thing i hate and cannot get over is how u always manage to bring her into the conversation every single time
have you got no EQ?
the past few days i thought we were making progress because you really seemed to give me all your attention
but only ytd or maybe since the day before you were kinda cold
i thought only women had pms..
i rmb the day i got kinda drunk and you were with me on the phone the whole time to try to get me into my house and then waited for me to fall asleep and this time i fell asleep on you over the phone
and you said you wished you were with me to give me water
its phrases like that that keeps me going and believing that there is smth
sometimes you would call me babe and the other day u called me baby
but i wonder if you do this to all your friends
and i wonder if you think of her when you call me these names
i bet you do..
i rmb you saying stuff to me like
you would offer me a hug if you were with me because i told you i was freezing
and blabla
i would note down the amount of time we talk everyday and record it down
sounds stupid but yea
today i am sick but you dont seem to care and since i had so much time in my hands
i was thinking if you are worth it
and i was starting to feel silly for giving so much when you didnt even return anything
i wanna say i will wait
but i duno if i am that strong
i really hope you sort out your feelings soon
amd things will be on the positive side
Tuesday, October 19, 2010 (9:20 PM)
i keep mind fucking myself..
fuck
Tuesday, September 14, 2010 (9:18 PM)
those feelings are back again to haunt me
dilemma frustration helplessness jealousy
its like every emotion combining forces
i am angry at her
i hate that so called mini me.. fuck
if only i was not caged when i was younger and had the freedom to all that i wanted then maybe now i would not feel so useless
i would have already made up my mind and not dilly dally on small stupid things like these.
its not my fault
its not.
after hearing some news today
i just wanna run as far away as possible
i wanna give you back everything
i am sorry that i am not what you wanted me to be
you can give everything to them
i will just live on my miserable pay
i will go abroad and leave you alone
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 (11:43 PM)
today at school i wanted to consult jonathan but then i wasnt done with my works and then by the time i printed and everything he was probable out for lunch and since my mum was waiting for me for lunch i talked to the korean lecturer instead
fuck it! she kept shooting me and giving like sarcastic remarks? like i dun get what is this... and then when she was explaining to me the reflected ceiling plan, i totally didnt get what she said and then she was like this is year ones work or smth like that
super hurt. i mean i dont know how to do thats why i am consulting you. and instead of shooting me u should be helping me. thats what a teachers job is for and that is what i am paying for! bitch
then i felt damn low then suddenly thought of crit and everything and how i would die..
then i felt even worse
and i was holding back my tears and in the car i didnt want to talk to my mum for fear i will jsut let go
and then at home i cried out for pretty long
and then i did work and at night
i was ok till shea and charlotte came up and then i sudd felt damn stressed out
and i called my mum
and after hearing her motherly voice i just let go
then she told me she loved me and all
then after that i washed my face and hoping the red eyes would go away
since charlotte and shea were outside
but i guess it didnt work cause i think charlotte saw my eyes
then
my dad called
and then i answered
and he started saying stuff like
if i dun like it then just stop what i am doing
(aunt val comes up too)
i couldnt take it after hearing what my dad said so i like walked to my room and another round of freefall happened.
then i came out eyes super red and all and then aunt val hugged me and wa lao YET ANOTHER ROUND OF FREEFALLING
then they asked me to go for dinner and then i think gan die and gan ma knew i cried so they just like stared at my puffy eyes but didnt say anything.. thank god
then as expected my dad came home and had a long talk with me
he said stuff like
i feel very insulted and angry that ur teacher insulted you. why angry because you have my genes. so insulting you = to insulting me. if you dun like it just stop. no point you make yourself suffer. i have gone through that when i was young so i know how it feels. thats why i always want my family to be happy. when any of you are unhappy i feel very sad and uncomfortable.
besides seeing/hearing u cry when u were a baby i have never seen u cry
and when ur mum told me u cried when u called her i felt very upset. i have never seen u so unhappy and it hurts me too cause i love you.
if u want to stop just stop i will take care of you even when you get married.
this is why i work so hard. so that i can support all of you. what for you go through so much these few months just to prove to them smth? its not worth it.
i think i even saw a little bit of tears in his eyes. i have never seen him this emotional too
i love you too dad!
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 (10:33 PM)
why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
W H YYYYYYYY
so many questions running through my mind
i feel like as if i am about to explode
i just wanna scream my lungs out
let everything out
and then maybe, only maybe i will be fine
Monday, February 08, 2010 (9:57 PM)
addicted to poison..
a deadly one which effects will haunt me when the time has come
Sunday, February 07, 2010 (10:26 PM)
and i thought you were my friend..
Saturday, February 06, 2010 (10:09 PM)
god forgive me for i have sinned
