T H R E E O F H E A R T S

Tuesday, October 26, 2010 (5:30 PM)

i am going mad
my chest feels so tight i am afraid i might pass out
i need a drink
maybe a few to drown this feeling out
the silence.. the wait is killing me

today started out fine we chatted on fb and then you suddenly stopped replying then after what seemed like forever you said

'welcome back'
'i was online the whole time!'
'nope! when i replied you were already offline.'
'so.. were you waiting for me to see if i came back on??'
'kinda'
'can i say i am kinda happy?!'

i was quite happy with that reply but.. u kinda changed topic? so yea
everytime i make it obvious u change the topic
so i get it now

you tend to make it awkward when we chat..
like last night or the night before we were chatting and then you were telling me about the scene where we were at the foodcourt eating and we walked back to the store
yea
soo u know the girl from the restaurant next to the foodcourt and then she asked you if i was your gf (when i already left) then you said oh no she is not my gf.
so.. ok you tell me that then what do you want me to reply you? seriously like wtf..

anyways we chatted i called you and we continued chatting and we went to visit our FRIENDSTER account! and then i saw her pictures in your album and it kinda killed me
especially the montage one with all your kissing and lovey dovey pictures
it totally killed my mood for the whole of this week.
and now i keep going back to stare at it and making myself feel inferior

why do i do that.. i really dont know why i torture myself this way
maybe a painful approach will remind me that this is not a fairytale

last night we were on the phone and.. i was kinda harsh
but i was that way because i felt super frustrated
like there are many things i wanna ask you but i cant bring myself to ask
i want to ask you to stop talking about her
but i cant because who i am to ask you to stop talking about her? i am only a friend status
thats why its so hard!
and i told my friend that i would give you a while to make the first move but she told me that you once said that you dont make the first move except your ex.. duh of course.. of course

that sentencemy friend said made me feel even worse
made me wanna give up
then thinking about it..
every song i hear or do things that relate to you when i feel sad..
you are probably relating it to her when you listen to certain songs and whatever
i feel like a background..

then when i feel like i should give up
you come and do smth that makes me go smiling like a mad person

for example the day before ytd i was texting you and you didnt really reply. the whole day you only replied a text msg.. ridiculous can i just say..

and ytd you did a lil better you maybe replied like 3 or 4 times
then i was complaining to my friend that u didnt reply much so maybe you are not interested blabla
then she said that you guys were super busy at the shop thats why!
so i was like oh ok i understand..
and then i was just emoing the whole day and then at night after your work u sent me
' hey sorry for not organising my time to reply you messages'
i feel weak but i have to say.. i was flying! its the first time he said this!

then after i touched down on earth i was thinking.. what if it was his ex.. would he have done it differently? would he have texted her even though he was super busy?

see, the mind fucking thing starts all over again

then i think about how he chased her for 2 years and they were together for 7 years so thats basically 9 years of his life..
thats a super long dedication
and he has only known me less than a month and i am falling head over heels for him
so maybe he found it too easy
and is tired
maybe its just a game to him
i duno but i wanna know
i wish he would tell me

and then a song popped into my head which is suuuupppeeerrr appropriate for my situation right now
and its a song by coco lee ' before i fall in love' (although i already have..)

My heart says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cuz my heart's been through it before
Am I'm just seeing what I want to see
Or is it true
Could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
(Who warns) my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

And I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I wanna take a chance
Oh please
Give me a reason to believe
Say you're the one that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
through all my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
~

i love the part 'And I'm at the point of no return So afraid of getting burned But I wanna take a chance'

its so true that there is no turning back now.. i know i have a high chance of getting hurt but yet i wanna take that risk..

i really shouldnt have gone down to the shop
never should have...

can i confess to him?
i wish i could..i wish i had the bloody guts to do it
but even if i did i dun think i would
because the answer is so clear........

(2:09 PM)

i wondered what would have happened if

i didnt see you

if i didnt go down to MIC

if i didnt see you on the dance floor

if you didnt give me your number

if you didnt express your interest in me to the others

if you didnt constantly talk about your ex

if you didnt always stare at other girls and complimenting how pretty they are and trying desperately to get their attention

if you didnt tell me you were a good guy

if we did not go out on that date

if you didnt make lame promises like " you know what dont take your license, i will drive you around once i get my land rover' or how ' i wont smoke in front of you'

dun even say such things if you dun intend to finish what you started

omg u are fucking annoying! how do you manage to make me so excited just receiving a msg from you on facebook?! such as an ass. but i guess you dont see what you are doing to me casue you are too blinded by your ex

(1:47 PM)

i wish i knew what you are thinking about

or how you feel

then at least i know which direction i am gg

Sunday, October 24, 2010 (6:23 PM)

i am back to being my emo self..
and this is the only place i can release everything

i really wanna talk to you now and tell you how much i like you
but i duno where to start and i am afraid i would get hurt
i am afraid you would say you like me.. but only as a friend

our conversations these few days have been reduced to just minutes..
and then thinking about it.. i rmb you once asked me
" what if i stopped calling you"
wtf does that mean?
are you trying to tell me that you wanna start staying away
or are you trying to see if you would think of me if you dont call me

i keep mind fucking myself because of you
i am back to listening to my stupid emo songs because of you
i am probably sick because of you

ytd at the flea market
you asked me to pass you your bag and i saw the cabin crew tag with her name on it
did u know i was dying inside
i tried not to show my feelings on face
so i had to walk away

i wonder if i could ever measure up to her?
i know you have been with her for 7 years and that you really loved her and probably isnt easy getting over her
i get it
i have only known u for a month and i am going crazy

truth is i have never felt this way for a guy
i only communicate with the guys i like through sms or msn
and we rarely meet up
and when we do
i feel myself pushing them away

you are the only guy i have gone out with and feel comfortable during the whole date
you are the only guy who calls me every night and chat with me on the phone for hours

i like how you sound over the phone
i like how you sound when you just wake up in the morning
i like how you talk to me in a gentle tone
i like how you fell asleep on me over the phone and i didnt mind because i felt contented
but the only thing i hate and cannot get over is how u always manage to bring her into the conversation every single time
have you got no EQ?

the past few days i thought we were making progress because you really seemed to give me all your attention
but only ytd or maybe since the day before you were kinda cold

i thought only women had pms..

i rmb the day i got kinda drunk and you were with me on the phone the whole time to try to get me into my house and then waited for me to fall asleep and this time i fell asleep on you over the phone
and you said you wished you were with me to give me water
its phrases like that that keeps me going and believing that there is smth
sometimes you would call me babe and the other day u called me baby
but i wonder if you do this to all your friends
and i wonder if you think of her when you call me these names
i bet you do..

i rmb you saying stuff to me like

you would offer me a hug if you were with me because i told you i was freezing
and blabla
i would note down the amount of time we talk everyday and record it down
sounds stupid but yea

today i am sick but you dont seem to care and since i had so much time in my hands
i was thinking if you are worth it
and i was starting to feel silly for giving so much when you didnt even return anything
i wanna say i will wait
but i duno if i am that strong
i really hope you sort out your feelings soon
amd things will be on the positive side

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 (9:20 PM)

i keep mind fucking myself..
fuck

(10:27 AM)

somewhere between our long convos and big laughs i fell in love

(9:49 AM)

the more you tell me about her, the lesser confidence i have

(9:26 AM)

i wonder if you know i like you..
you should know
because i have made it so obvious you would be a total blockhead if you cant tell

(9:19 AM)

it kills me to hear you talking about your past with her
it almost killed me when u said you would have a kissing scene..
i wanted so much to say no.. dun act because of that
but.. who i am to you.. just a friend status
i am wondering if you are serious
you sound serious you act kinda serious but yet like nth is happening so whats up man..
dun keep going around in circles..